Marriage is difficult because there are two sinners within a close relationship together and trouble is inevitable (1 Corinthians 7:28). When conflict, suffering, sin, and disagreements are not dealt with, a marriage can become stuck. There are many reasons why a spouse may harden their hearts. It may be in response to sinful actions by either spouse or might even be just differences in preferences that cause a wall to form in between each other. There may be fiery hostility or a cold apathetic passivity that frames the relationship; or periods of both extremes. Because of the closeness of the marital relationship, the breakdown of this relationship is often especially painful and difficult. Many times, it involves one or both spouses losing hope and then the relationship settles in to a despair that barely functions when necessary. We need to hold in tension that the hardness of human hearts and indwelling sin means that not all relationships will be healed; with the truth that God can change even the hardest hearts. It’s important to not look to your marriage as your source of hope, joy, or peace. This is more that our marriages were meant to give us; but we look to Christ who suffered on our behalf, who reconciled us to the father, and did what we could never do.
Long-Suffering
In responding to a spouse with a hardened heart, we must realize that we are accountable for our actions even through difficulties and trials (Matthew 12:36, Romans 2:6). Though, those in Christ have been justified we must not used the mercy and grace given to us in Christ to keep on sinning (Romans 6:1). We are called to respond as Christ “who endured from sinners such hostility against himself” (Hebrews 12:3-14). We do not do this because our spouse deserves our favor or because it will cause them to have a change of heart. We love our spouses with grace filled love because that’s what Christ did for us, that “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). It was not because we earned his favor or did anything to deserve his favor. God so loved us that he gave us Christ. Lest we be like the unmerciful servant and immediately forget what God has done for us in Christ, we should turn our hearts towards grace, mercy, long suffering, and true love for our spouse.
Pray
While it may seem obvious, or may even seem like it won’t change anything; we are called to pray for our spouse. Do not just pray for your spouse to change, but pray that God will change you through the suffering and trial. It is not wrong to pray for the situation to change, but it is often through our suffering that God shapes us into the type of Christian and the type of spouse we are called to be (Romans 5:1-5). Pray to be able to respond in a God-honoring way (Proverbs 15:1). Pray for a heart that is able to be “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19); that you may be able to hear your spouse’s heart and respond in a way that brings life to them. Pray and then pray some more! When you do not have the words to pray anymore, use Scripture to guide your prayers. Turn each verse of Scripture into a prayer for your spouse.
Speak the Truth
So often spouses give up their voice and God-given role in sanctifying their spouse. You must recognize that you are not the Holy Spirit and have no power to change your spouse but you are called to participate in this process. Do not abdicate your role by biting your tongue, but do not go to the oppose error and not nag, complain, or become angry. We are called to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). This means that we actively speak towards the situation in a way that reflects our loving-care for our spouse. The goal is to not provoke our spouse (all truth but no love) or fail to speak truth by overlooking every offense (all love but no truth). The goal is not to convince them of their faults or wrong doing or force them to change their behavior; like the watchman on the wall, we are called to accurately warn others of the danger approaching but they are the ones that must respond (Ezekiel 33:1-9). It is wise to bring in others to help with the situation (Matthew 18:10-35). This may be a friend, pastor, or biblical counselor, but should be someone that is wise, discerning and able to speak the truth in love.
Marriage should not settle for less than what God calls us to within marriage as a one-flesh union that reflects the beautiful mystery of Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:22-33). Its important to remember that your hope is not in your spouse’s response but the person and work of Christ. He will never fail you and will be with you in the suffering. Lean on his strength to help you respond in a way that builds character because character produces hope (Romans 5:4). You might not be able to change your spouses heart, but God can. Even if God does not change their heart, he will change you through this.